you think that i would be traumatized but no I'm fine.i guess i really don't love Steven like that anymore, in case i didn't mention it i called him after a week of not talking to each other and he was talking bullshit and so i dumped him and made it clear that the baby is the only thing that we have in common is the baby.I'm a little bummed since i found out that i can't do school until after the baby is born but whatever at least it gives me till she's three or four months till i have to work.oh and my mom got a job at the food stamp office so that's tight its a 9-5 Monday-Friday and i think it pays 11/hr which is better since its easier work.its so hot in here I'm bout to go after this facebook ain't that serious to have a heat stroke over but anyway, another guy comes over and i actually liked him until or but he is over staying his welcome he came last night so why is he still at my house?!he don't live there and when does he think hes going home or did he move in and i missed it?so I'm irritated cuz i wanna go out but of course my mom just wants to lay up under him in the house and who cares if you know him from work it doesn't mean that hes not a hacksaw murderer!!!
anyway i tried calling Steven yesterday and today to tell him that he can do him but he will support his child or he will not be seeing her its that simple and that i want his mothers phone number because she shouldn't have to suffer over her first grandchild because of his selfish ass!well i got a car seat and bouncer today which makes me happy i only need like 5 things a stroller,crib,carrier,high chair,and more clothes.I'm not one of those gotta have it all type people cuz i hate clutter.oh we got the car fixed but I'm nervous about going home up that big hill cuz it already stalled on me and seemed to take forever to start i guess the car just doesn't like me.we i have to check out the books and go to the store then go home and look stupid i guess i think i might make an effort to come out more often though maybe that's why i feel better maybe its cuz i finally got my hair permed and so i can get more air to my brain.oh Lia and Amiyah are coming from Thanksgiving till the time that i have my baby so that will be nice for her i'm not exactly sure how ill be feeling at t he time i just want my baby out already....i wonder if I'm going to still be saying that when she actually does get out?

okay for whatever the reason i thought i needed to be on the laptop for two hours but i ain't doing shit but i know when i have ten minutes left ill think of hella shit that i came here to do.so i hate the library cause people get on my damn nerves doing too much now i remember why i stay home or come in the morning.there's a girl with her music loud like shes at a concert i mean shes a table away and on the opposite side of the table than me and i can hear clearly;not to mention the man that almost broke the bookcase to plug in his damn cell phone! that's the problem with people they get way to damn comfortable and that turns into stupidity and he better not be one of those people that like to talk on the phone like this is his damn office either! and another thing he came in here the closing the blinds didn't ask no body or nothing that's why i cannot tolerate certain types of people.my mother has her moments when will she learn that hella guys equals none or maybe one because I've grown to realize that men aren't as stupid as we think they are for one they can tell when your wandering and when your for real,and didn't she read that Steve Harvey book? and no one even takes her no where gives her money or help when she needs it so whats the point what is she getting? as for myself well i haven't talked to Stephen in a week since she decided that she needed her phone everyday this week and now he has no minutes so I've been frustrated but getting trough it.I'm just ready for him to come and get me and for us to spend time together that's all.i feel nauseous anyway i have a pregnant tummy and i can feel definite movements from my Mj and i cant wait for her to come out.i can see why my mom might be worried but she has to realize that I'm not like her i don't let petty things break up my love relationships or what i think I'm worth things aren't that serious to me.and as for what i want i want to be home with Stephen spending every possible moment with my child before she realizes that she doesn't need me anymore I'm just that simple and i feel lucky for it and lucky to be able to do it and i trust and love Steven and so therefore i get what i guess i've secretly wanted all the time.in the meantime i have been thinking about writing a book or at least making these a book somehow but i haven't figured out how i wanna do it and stuff but i still have plenty of time to be a journalist and everything so one day at a time for me and STEVEN FINALLY PLEASE =)

I have been very lazy lately i don't know if its the pregnancy or actual boredom.Hopefully Steven comes to get me soon because I'm losing my mind and all my hope.Him and i have had our ups and downs but at the end of the day we know that we want each other.i mean I've realized that even though he gets mad at me and says mean things i still wanna be around him and love him and so I'm going to ask him to marry me and see how he reacts.I'm not sure if i should do it over the phone or ask him when i get there i still don't trust that ill get there i mean ill believe it when i see it so maybe the phone but anyway.i am terrified of my child being brought up in the south the people there are just so one dimensional so i hope to spend plenty of time in California or at least out here in Texas.there's this guy from Louisiana at my table and gosh hes so annoying and predictable and no one cares this is 2010 white people aint thinking about us that hard and Mexicans work just as hard as we do.hey I'm getting sleepy which is normal cause normally i take a nap after my breakfast.so anyway i love Steven and i look forward to an interesting life between the both of us i really don't have much to say another reason I've been avoiding you here,i guess ill get some books and head home since I'm now thirsty sleepy and want to talk to Steven one more time before my mom gets up to hate!

He went and got some minutes on his phone and been calling me every hour or two to talk to me for liek five minutes then he gon call me back.or he'll be talking to other people in teh background i feel like i cant get anything done or said which is also annoying.my mother actually offered teh car and teh phone to me today i think its cuz she knows im not happy here and i wanna go home.Steven says that everything is going well and that we dont have to worry about money anymore which sounds nice but ill believe it when i see it.on a better note he got back together with Earl so thats nice.i hope he has more time for me when i get ther ein september,he also doesnt even sound like he wants sex saying that he was going to wait until i have the baby i'm not sure if he's cheating and at this point i dont really care.im just tired and ready to have my nursery set up and my baby to put in it.i mean he seems to busy to even talk over the phone.ben wrote me on myspace ye sit was random.im going home to rest so i can take a ride on the tre train alittle later.i need snacks and shit so thats why i need to go homw first but i might get home on this phone and say fuck it and stay home you never know with me.i hella want target nachos i know its random.he doesnt even seem eager for me to visit him so i might just stay here uz im not in the mood i mean its bad enough that i havent had any affection since i got pregnant.he says he's gonna take care of everything but ill believe it when i see it cuz he always saying something.and he wants me to get a phone but after todays trial im thinking hell no cuz i dont have time for him to be calling me every 5 mins to talk to some one else put me on hold call me back or just ask stupid shit so we'll see

Well we dont have internet and they finally turned my phone off completely and its so hot and i work and take my mom to work and doctors appointments WIC appointments looking for a new place to live its been crazy but you wanna hear the craziest thing?Stephen called me on my house phone like 2 or 3 days ago.i'm still in shock that he somehow found the number and everything.he said that he doesnt know why i would think that he would leave me like that and that he'd never do that.he also said he loved me and still cared about me and that we are going to get through it together and i hope hes right abd we will soon see if he really meant it because i went to the doctors today and i have Chlamydia.and heres the kicker he had to have given it to me.because A i wasnt sleeping with anybody else and B the 2 times that i did i used condoms so i dunno.and i know that this isnt going to go over well because he always accused em of cheating anyway so we will see what our love is really made of. on a different note he wants me to come home and he works at that shop with B.hes buying us cell phones in a week or so and has his own place so im really proud of him.i dont wanna go back cuz i dont liek it there and also i have no family or anything and i dont want anyone watching my child so hwo are we both to work and i watch my child?so if i agreed to go back there i would have to be a house wife until my child turned 5 so he would have to work 2 jobs liek hes about to do now or we would have to go back to our original plan.here my life is so easy rents paid bills paid groceries free you see i only oay for gas and entertainment for em.theyre even giving me baby cribs and a bed for me and stuff so i think in teh beginning i will have a split living arrangement where ill stay with him in september come back in october.then after the babys born stay here and go there for months i mean im not sure what else to do because im not sure if he can take care of us liek that but i did read teh steve harvey book and i understand now i mean i knew aliitle but after reading it showed em alot and he does love me like he says he does and we will probably get married im really happy and i realize that at the end of the day my home is with him and we have our own family so i need to branch off from my old one to make sure that my new one grows properly.i mean its hard since i havent seen him in a month but hes supposed to be coming out here in august for a weekend so we can go shopping together for our baby and yes i changed the name back since i did promise and he told his mom the name already.i have to talk to her soon but itrs hard since i dont have a phone and i like my privacy ehich my mother doesnt give me at all she would not get out the doctors office so i can deal with my Chlamydia problem which kinda pissed me off but she didnt overreact the way i thought she would so whatever.i only hope steven can be as understanding and we can just get treated and move past it.to make along story short cuz im starting to feel sick due to hunger im going to make himn happy and were gonna be happy and good for one another like i knew all along and i cant wait to have my baby to meet her i found out for sure that its Faith Diane Avery and i hope to be an Avery by atleast 2012.

So I just had to see Lorenzo today,I took the damn Altima which broke down and won't start anymore.I feel like its partially not my fault because why was there an accident at 11pm at night which started the entire snowball effect.so I get to Lorenzo and he has a damn girlfriend =( that's why he won't touch me.so let's recap my moms gonna kill me since I left the car in the middle of the freeway my baby is either dead dying or killing me because I had to push/help push the car and to top it all off no kiss no hug no touch from the guy I did this all for.damn I really hate Steven for this.I know what ure thinking what does he have to do with this.but I'm so lonely and pregnant with his baby...I'm just so sad and lost.somedays I feel like yeah I'm better off without him I can do this but its the nights that make me cry and wish I were still back home with him.the times like now when the baby is restless and driving me crazy and he gets her to calm down.I remember all of that the conversations we had about our childs life but most of all the night we made love and decided to keep the baby.I'm still just so hurt by the whole thing I never thought that this would be me here right now...alone unloved and unwanted.it just kills me almost every night.it got so bad I made up a fantasy life like a bedtime story the way I used to.just to help keep my mind off of it but I still check myspace everyday to see if he writes me back and what will be said. Damn the baby has me feeling so nausous I'm bout to sleep and I have to work 2marrow and hear my mothers mouth.it doesn't matter I'm already hurt Lorenzo didn't hurt my feelings just added an I told you so to me feeling worthless.so no more hanging out with him not in the mood for more disappointment and wanting something that I can't have like a family for my child the life steven and I had in zion city

I finally got my date I guess you would call it with Lorenzo.either he has a girlfriend,I wasn't sending strong enough vibes,or he just wasn't feeling me like that.we went to cold stone and 7-11 and when I took him home he hopped out the car said see u at work while walking to his door.and he called me his coworker I atleast said friend.oh well I have no buisness anyway I gotta work all day tomarrow and I feel nauseous now so imma take a pill and sleep since I work 9 damn hours 2marrow at dip and dots

Just as I told Cynthia I missed my WIC appointment.then she spent all the money but 80 we should've atleast kept 100 especially since the rent went up.I don't have the time for this shit I'm calling section 8 today since we can barely pay the rent before then she goes and signs a contract to live here another year without even asking me when we could've done month to month it said.I hate sneaky people for one and I don't have the time or money to be takin care of grown folks.I still need to enroll in school which is 3000 not to mention ifi have to take those two online classes which looked like 400 a piece.she up here playing with men and boys for free that shits gonna stop we don't have time.hopefully six flags or the food stamp office hires her cuz I'm getting irraated.then I take these days off work for nothing.that's it no more nice guy I'm holding on to the money and I'm so tired and sick and wonder if I just should've stayed with him in louisiana I went from taking care of one grown ass mother fucker to another.I just need to wait till section 8 kicks in or till I finish school cuz I'm bout to start saving cuz I missed the first session but I won't miss this upcoming one in october 3 months that's 1000 a month and still pay everything and on top of that granny can't help us out with no more money after this last help with rent I only make 7.25 and I really don't wanna hoe while I'm pregnant but one of us has got to do something to survive

Which I hate cuz then I start calling anybody I need to stop and just get over it or meet new people I'm only opening an old can of worms and they live so far.I feel like they all use me for sex anyway like I'm starting to realize they all ask where are you and when I say Dallas they say let me call you back or oh call me later so they ain't bout shit.I miss Steven especially since Erica had said she seen him at walmart.I called Toya but she sais they didn't stay around there no more and she didn't know where he was but maybe he told her to say that well either way I've tried and I guess its up to him or just not meant to be.maybe ill get over it soon maybe I never will.well regardless imma do right by my baby and that's that.I'm tired just wanted to say I guess he's really gone and I'm lonely and wish I had some companionship

I've only been here a week and i have a job at six flags as a cook at a restaurant i think.i found Steven on myspace and every time i look at his picture i want to throw up,like seriously its the weirdest thing.anyway I'm over all of that kinda i don't want to get back together i want to be left alone i have enough stuff on my plate and mind as it is.i feel like my baby will never come out smiling so here it is.i make 7.25 here and i have to pay:cable 255,my phone bill 80,my moms bill 100 and something,gas for a week or two i have no idea when i get paid,work shoes 20,a new uniform 12+13.not to mention rent is coming back July 5th so i have to start saving 705 for that.i feel sick again,i woke up throwing up fantastic huh?i have random ass dreams all on my own like without making it up but I'm through with love.i don't see Steven coming back and even if he did that doesn't mean i want him back he really fucked up this time.we have to be friends because i don't trust him especially if he takes forever to write me back if he even writes back at all.i don't feel like going anywhere but I've been in the house for like 3 or 4 days straight but i feel horrible like barfing all day.being pregnant sucks ass its not as fun and awe as i thought it was going to be its being uncomfortable,pain,pee,and nausea in a nutshell.not to mention all the hot flashes that i have.oh and i gotta save almost 3000 for school that i moved back to October since I'm definatly not going to make the July class.i watched porn and it wasn't even as exciting as it used to be I'm over that as well.i just want my body back i want this baby out! i mean with my luck the baby will look just like him and everyday of my pathetic life id have to look him in the face and love him and take care of him.either way i don't care and still want it out.I'm never doing this again its terrible.this is my only child seriously i will always remember this.anyway i have to suck it up and take care of my family.does it sound familiar?at least i go t food stamps and health care.

so if you haven't guessed it I'm in Dallas at my moms house i just got here Thursday afternoon.obviously I'm not used to a normal key board all the way cuz i have to keep going back and deleting shit.anyway so its all sad how it had to go down.he kicked me out!it was all so stupid and it makes em think if he did it on purpose cuz he knew i would come here faster but I'm not sure if hes even that kind.okay so we went home and all i asked was for him to do his laundry cuz it had the house stinking and I'm almost twelve weeks pregnant so i have more energy and no more throwing up and i want shit done now no more games.he gets an attitude and wants me to do it but why what is he doing to where i have or need to do it.i was getting fed up with him not doing shit i got us a bed and dinner every time and he still wants more and ain't doing shit you know.so anyway he gets an attitude and snatched the fan and puts it only on him and I'm like oh hell no nigga you ain't doing shit like i just felt like who the hell do you think you are.he tries to hold it away from me like I'm a child and he starts pushing me and shit.then pulls the its mine shit and get out his house and blah blah blah i packed 3 bags went next door called my mama and granny got me on the bus the same day and Nique dropped me off and here i am.I'm happy to be with my mother and even though she wont admit it she needs me here as much as i need to come here to be here with her i can tell.I've been eating and walking and looking for work and looking at different neighborhoods and schools for myself.this upcoming week i gotta get food stamps wic a job and medical so its gonna be an uphill climb but same situation no job no money no food that I'm craving so yeah!i like it here there's a lot to do and its nice seems new and a lot of different people that seem normal for the most part.I'm about to get in the bath cuz i think i smell but i could be trippin anyway I'm going to send him a letter but i don't really know what to say.i mean i already renamed the baby to Mallory Jay so i can call her MJ,i still like Brooklyn James for a boy though.i mean i don't mind raising the baby alone...well with my family but it would be nice if the baby could know him and spend time with him you know so i can have a break but also because moms and dads teach you different things since men and women are wired different.ill mail it on Monday give myself another day to think i know him and i know that he didn't mean all those things nasty things he said but its no excuse still.anyway bath time its hot as a mofo here like everyday so yeah.

I am not having another baby ever.I have been throwing up for a month everyday nonstop multiple times a day.not only that but our toilets broke and disgusting so I throw up out the window but not when the kids from next door are outside but its summer time so that's everyday so I sit out front in certain areas.look I'm just trying to get to my moms house I really hope that Malikah comes through on that cuz I'm dying here.no fridge no money no food stamps no tub no toilet no clothes really.oh and a deflated air mattress.WOW I must've done something really fucked up to somebody.its hot I want Gatorade to swim and a Popsicle.all at my moms house mind u!I'm waiting for a facebook message cuz my phones cut off completely well besides internet which is random but I'm tryin to get to my moms b4 they cut that off.I'm dizzy and sick most the time.the baby won't hold anything down its so gay.I hate throwing up food cuz for 11 we don't have money to waste and for 2 it chokes me on the way up its gross.I just want jamba juice or an icee of some type I hate it here please save me someone either imma die or the baby will I just know it!

So I'm not sure what my life is about.what I'm doing how I got here.its so hard to get back on track it seems like when it rains it floods.so we're not keeping the baby so yeah I guess that explains some of my moodiness.he keeps bugging me about sex and I'm just not interested I feel like he doesn't understand.the baby isn't attached to him making his pussy stink.pee smelly thick yellow and nauseous constantly.now I have to lie and say I miscarried when I just killed it.at least brandy and Andre are gonna be home next week I could use a country vacation to think and I love brandy.well anyway I miss my mom and my brother the most of everyone and and believe it or not granny.anyway I just I dunno what if I let him have a sex partner she gets pregnant and he let's her keep their baby maybe its just me that he doesn't want I mean he's made that clear numerous times.=(
My mother is right why am I letting him do this to me I'm smart and the bomb if I do say so myself and I could do whatever I don't have to be a sidekick I can run the damn show.maybe I don't want sex cuz I don't feel attractive maybe its the baby who knows I crave shit all the time though.I would like to go on a date.I clean up pretty well when I have my clothes which are probably eaten by moths.not to mention he always acts like he gon eat some pussy and don't at least Eric tried.maybe if he turned me on more made me feel like he loved me.romance.nothing too fancy just dinner a candle or 2.he knows I'm pregnant and let me sleep on a deflated air mattress on the floor.the rubs my tits before his child.anyway the bugs are annoying me and so is that bed since there's a hole in it.I'm tired of talking goodnight

Just in case u can't see the posting time.well anyway.I got to see the baby 2day and its heartbeat.I wish that Steven would've came but he had things to do which is understandable.I feel sick kinda which is uncool cuz we just had sex.I did it for him at this point in the pregnancy I don't really want it but I love him and have to take care of his needs which I'm learning to do.HEY there's a roach the size of a mouse in here so I think sleeping is over and cleaning has started tomorrow.I got a few things to do 2marrow as well.I wonder if I could even type on a real keyboard anymore so used to this thing but anyway I'm understanding the type of names he likes and I'm adapting.this is my family and I will stick up for it and be there for it.I'm nervous to meet his family because he's so street rough and well I'm a girl from the valley.besides that I feel like I have so much to do with so little time and I need to stop playing.get my accountant thing just in case and help out with the family business cuz lord knows I don't want my baby to ever see this house!imma go look at names and stuff...STOP! Why is my sister hating on me totally uncool I'm just saying no one said anything to her so I dunno but I don't appreciate it and will kick her ass.this baby has me on mama bear patrol already.always sleep protecting my stomach and everything.watch out world if u thought Gail price was bad cuz I don't play when it comes to my baby!

so all day it had been on our minds but at the end of the day we'd say no we're not having it.i mean all along i secretly wanted it but said nothing.but he knows me he knew the whole time i wanted her.Catherine Avery.i love it it sounds so noble but anyway sorry been texting my mother I think that by having this baby it will make our relationship stronger.I love Steven so much.okay so here's how it went he came to bed and was rubbing my stomach and cuddling and just being him really sweet.then he wants to make love even if I don't want to I always will but I could tell it was different this time.his kiss was so passionate and locked and he whispered I love you baby.we did that for a while then he stopped and said can u do me a favor baby I said huh.he said can u not have an abortion.I love u and I'm gonna take care of you and my baby.that's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to us.damn I love him I don't know if were gonna get married before after or during the baby or not at all I don't care I've never been this happy in my life I'm going to take care of my husband and my baby as well because I love them more than anything else in this world.I'm so happy I'm in tears!

That's right folks I'm pregnant with Stevens baby of all people.I just turned 21 like 3 days ago.I hate doctors and children and even Stephen at times.this is just so inconvenient.what did I do to deserve this karma but once I knew he got someone pregnant before and he randomly rubs my stomach now I just knew.one quick interruption why are people still trying to holla when I been throwing up and i know I look crazy?this is all one terrible dream I'm afraid of everything.doctor baby wise and what if I get rid of this one and can't have anymore?thank goodness I live out here so its hot.people around here are annoying and creepy.oh I'm still starving that's y I'm throwing up.well I'm walking home so I gotta go.I'm not sure if I should tell.Steven or not ill figure it out when I get there I'm sure

Today is national throw up all day day.I thought I was getting better but instead I'm throwing up worse.Stephen has been yelling at me everyday since we moved here.I just wanna eat normally.that's y I'm sick I don't think I'm pregnant I think its a food thing excuse me.threw up again!maybe I should go to the hospital.imma call maria and Erica see if they can drop me off.anyway I'm still sick and will go to the hospital 2night or 2marrow.i don't wanna worry Steven though but I'm afraid of this and dying.i hope its just dehydration i know it sounds stupid but at least i get to eat 3 times a day.and all this construction is making it worse.at least i don't work this week.or any week.and at least i could get a pregnancy test to knock all that out.I feel like I'm trowing up again.I wish I had family and stuff here cuz I feel sad and alone and scared. But I'm an adult now so I gotta do what I gotta do.but at the same time if I keep puking I gotta do it.I'm hungry too.I hope Stephen doesn't take forever to get home today.cuz uh I don't feel like shit.and now my ribs are hurting.at least I get to watch movies now.

I hope so but probably not,what did I do to deserve this.I feel so alone and sad and as usual I feel as if my life isn't even worth living happy 21st huh.let's reflect on that.no one really called me I went all the way to work to find out there were 2 many people there.then I used 6 damn dollars in bus fare.then I had to walk from my new house to my old one.no birthday cake no dinner even.still haven't had anything since yesterday morning.I'm so sick and today Steven has finally shown me his true colors and I think I hate him I'm not sure.I take care of him all he does is talk shit and bring me down.I hate my pathetic life!too sick hungry and tired to even think about it anymore.

So its my b day 2marrow but it doesn't even feel like it.pardon the interruption Steven and I haven't had sex in 2 days and he decided that he wanted to break that record right when I started to post but anyway.I'm supposed to be moving 2marrow,borrow money to start making money.oh and I'm really sick either pregnant or the flu I'm going to go with the second one but anyway.the only thing I'm looking forward to is Friday when Steven and I go out to dinner and the X men movie.I hope I like our new house and I can get the money to make Steven happy cuz I do love him even though he irritates the hell outta me sometimes.but I know he'll take care of me as well as I've been taking care of him.I have a headache so we'll finish this another time!

So I'm starving and feel homeless I'm trying to pretend that everything's okay just reminding myself that things will get better.we are broke hungry and aggravated.at least we got our second home so now its up to me to get the money so we can make money.on top of that he owns a car wash.oh and I got rid of Benji he was bringing me down annoying and unrealistic.yes Stevens selfish but hey who isn't right?I'm gonna take a nap since he's in a bad mood as well as I.damn why can't summer just get here!